Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Hard Lessons to Learn

Some of the toughest lessons for me to learn are lessons from situations when God reminds me that "IT IS NOT ABOUT ME".

Yesterday, I had a situation that caused me to come unglued. I had been planning a special celebration for Avery's birthday this weekend for the past 2 months. I made arrangements way in advance. I confirmed everything not once, not twice but three times. I arranged for family to come from out of town. I made Avery's invites for the girls in her class. I received RSVPs from parents expressing how excited their girls were about the celebration.

Then yesterday morning, I went to sign a form and make a payment and that is when I found out that there was a mix up in the schedule and there was no reservation for Avery's party. Another party was in the slot that I had reserved and confirmed 3 times!

I became angry! How could this happen???!!! This was suppose to be something very special, something I had been planning the details for the past 2 months!!

I am embarrassed to admit that I let someone have it. I expressed my disappointment without holding back. And then if that wasn't hard enough on this poor person on the receiving end of my frustration, I went home, called this person and let them have a few more of my words.

I had a very good argument. I fought for that spot back because that was our spot and the other family should be bumped. Why us??

I eventually lost the fight and I had to make phone calls and new arrangements and I made sure the person on the other end knew the inconvenience she was putting me through.

During the heat of the moments, I thought for just maybe a few seconds about how wrong I was to treat someone like I did but that thought did not stop me. I did it anyway.

Then Steve reminded me of the sermon we watched TV just the night before about how it's "NOT ABOUT ME". The pastor preached about how people make mistakes and that's just part of life.

Well, the situation I was faced with yesterday became all about ME. It was "I this" and "I that" or "this has put ME out" or "poor ME", all because someone made a mistake.

I will be making an apology this evening. It will not be easy to take back all I said and move on but I know it's the right thing to do, so I will.

On another note, but along the same theme, I find myself getting all wrapped up in "It's all about me" as I work towards my attachment with Samson.

We have had several weeks that have gone well. He has let go a lot and shown more trust in me. The more relaxed he becomes and the more he allows me to do for him, the better our attachment feels.

In recent days, I have had flashbacks of how it felt when Samson was first home. I hate this feeling and I want to go back to the way things were just a few days ago.

We have been back and forth before so I have faith that he will come around again. But in the meantime, I like to mope and walk around feeling sorry for myself.

After a couple frustrating days, it just hit me yesterday that I am thinking more about how this is affecting me and less about why he is pulling back in the first place.

Over the weekend, we visited a close relative who brought out several folders of pictures of the girls. Each of our girls had at least 2 folders with oodles of photos. Samson had one folder with very few photos.

Samson is no dummy. He demanded to know where all his baby pictures were. We have had this discussion before and each time he continues to press us for more information. He wants his baby pictures!

The topic of baby pictures seems to touch him to the core. At first I was angry with this relative for bringing all these pictures out. Each time Samson grieves over a loss, he takes it out on me. It's my fault. After all, he has let down his guard and trusted me for several months and now I've let him down.

This is what triggered the "setback" in our attachment. The past couple days he has not let me do things for him. He won't even let me put his diaper on at bedtime or get him dressed.

I was angry. But while I was calling out to the Lord for help, I remembered why Samson is responding in this way. He is grieving. Seeing pictures of his sisters and not of himself is his way of grieving a loss. And then I wasn't so angry at my relative anymore because actually these things needs to surface and be talked about and grieved over. Grieving is healthy. It's just not fun for us on the receiving end.

I just need to remain patient, have faith and pray that some day he will learn to trust me again. And before I go to that place of feeling sorry for myself, I need reminders that it's not about ME!

It's really about Jesus. He will heal, restore and will always know what's best for us.


Alicia said...

Thank you for the reminder and sharing the struggles you are going through. So many times I catch myself in the "ME" moments and sometimes it is hard to realize in that moment it's about Jesus not myself.


Nikki said...

Thanks for this post Tammy! I'm so glad that there are people like you who write about the struggles of toddler adoption. I don't know if it's going to make me a better parent to Charu, but it will help me to be somewhat prepared for what is to come! Hugs!

Cindy said...

Oh Tammy, God is taking me through he same lessons, in a different way, on learning that life is not about "me". surrendering ourselves to Him, and His will is never easy, but is what leads us to becomming more like Him...the One who sacrificed everything for us. The important things is that we recognize our need to surrender ourselves and our desires to His, and continue to walk forward in humbleness. Thank you for sharing your heart.