My discouragement has led to much doubt. I've started to question the journey we have chosen to follow.
We have watched families with our agency who were waiting just weeks before us and in some cases waiting after us receive their referrals for toddler boys. Some of these families have become friends of mine through blogging and the forum. They have sent us words of encouragement and have written about us on their blogs, expressing disbelief that our family is still waiting. These families have had their sons home with them for several months.
It doesn't add up. It doesn't make sense. When I communicate with our specialist, she offers very little encouragement, like, "hang in there" or there are "several families still in front of you". How could there be several families still in front of us??!!
It seems like God has been quiet in this adoption process the past few weeks. I have been overwhelmed with doubt. I don't feel very proud of these feelings because God has confirmed many steps of this journey along the way. But now I'm questioning, "Why is it taking so long God?"
It's a long story as to how I happened upon Isaiah 55 one day, but I will tell you that I know without a doubt that God directed me to this particular chapter several months ago for a reason. When I first read this chapter, I understood it to tell me that I need to do something more to help the thirsty, (hence the title of the chapter - "Invitation to the Thirsty").
However, I have always felt like it was telling me something even more than this. Over the past several months, I have read this chapter over and over, looking for answers to why we haven't received our referral. At one time I wondered if this scripture would shed more light on the timing of our referral. Recently, I sat up late in bed one night, trying to read into the verses, hoping for something more to be revealed to me.
Then I picked up the book, Red Letters by Tom Davis. This has been an eye opening book written about the AIDS and orphan crisis's in the world, particularly in Africa. In his first chapter he talks about how "our God is indeed a God of mystery." Then he quotes Isaiah 55: 8 - 9:
"I don't think the way you think.
The way you work isn't the way I work."
"For as the sky soars high above earth,
so the way I work surpasses the way you work,
and the way I think is beyond the way you think."
After reading these verses for about the 50th time, it finally spoke to me. I don't know why I finally got it, maybe because this is a different Bible version than mine, but all of a sudden, I knew what God was trying to tell me.
God was not revealing any kind of timing for our referral. He was telling me that this journey will be perfectly carried out His way. He does not orchestrate journeys in a predictable way. His way will always be a mystery because he doesn't think the way we do.
Here I am thinking, if someone waiting just 10 days before me for a referral can have their child home already, we should have our child home already also. But God does not work this way.
To add to this, I was reminded by Beth Moore during my Bible Study this morning that God is in everything, even during mundane times. I've been guilty of thinking that maybe God is not in this adoption anymore because of inactivity, when in fact He may be directing a lot of details "behind the scenes", details that may remain a mystery to me, for the way God "works, isn't the way I work". There is activity going on - we just don't always see it.
God's timing does make sense to Him because He sees the whole picture. I only know what I see, not what I don't see. You would think that this far in the journey I would know better than not to trust God. Isaiah 55 to me is about trusting God and not about trying to figure everything out.
On a side note, we have chosen a name for our son, which is another amazing story that I will post about once we are ready to make it public.